The whole rigamarole would have been fixed much sooner—and possibly avoided entirely—if Verizon, my grundle of an ISP, hadn’t spent hours redirecting me to Bangalore, where a series of phone-mashers pretended that they had fake Anglo-Saxon names and that disconnecting my router from the phone jack would magically fix everything.
Long story short, I’m still sitting in my shoe box apartment, watching the simple-minded prattle of no-radio retro-grouches trickle onto my screen at 0.05Mbps—and knowing my bandwidth issues will only harden their fervor. No doubt we can expect petitions demanding a return to cup-and-cone bottom brackets as they continue to advance their Byzantine agenda.
For as anyone with half a brain knows, all cycling’s ills are a result of technological advances, and the racing was far better when race tactics involved dropping tacks, hopping trains, and carrying 2 spare tubulars and a large spanner over 400k-long stages. Truly, the second Tullio Campagnolo invented the quick-release, the sport was set on its inevitable track to the Festina Affair.
And then there’s the ASO, the transparent, level-headed, and above all, equitable body in charge of cycling’s biggest event. They’re a pillar of truth and honesty in a sport clouded by unscrupulous hard chargers like the Quick.Step team. Couldn’t those stupid Belgians just be like Caisse d’Epargne and have the social grace to simply leave controversial riders off the Tour roster?
Or, better yet, be like Team Katusha, and cover up a string of positive tests with a comically draconian anti-doping policy. While I suppose Russians might intuitively have a better grasp on overcompensation than the people of Flanders, Quick.Step should have at least inferred from the caravan vehicles of middling French squads that a some token distraction is the best way to make up for a shortcoming where it actually matters.