How To Dope, How To Not Dope, Results

Feb 10 2006

Screw cycling; if VeloNews has abandoned it (does that have anything to do with bike racing?) then so will I. From now on, this is the world’s sweetest doping blog. Step One: buy the drugs. Step Two: buy some antibodies and an electrophoresis apparatus so you can refine your methods by checking your own urine in the privacy of your own home. Step Three: don’t use legitimate drugs like Sudafed, Propecia or bagels; you don’t want to get busted for something that isn’t even performance enhancing (search “poppy”), do you? Step Four: buy a hematocrit machine (search “machine”) so you can just kiss up against that 50% barrier. Step Five: be careful when you go to alitude; don’t want your first big result to be a high hemoglobin test, do you? Step Six: Watch out for those anti-doping jerks who say you’re “unfit to start”. What ever happened to the Rocky Balboa ethos? “You stop me from racing, I’ll kill ya’!” Like a hemoglobin level of 17.1 g/dl is gonna put your health at risk any more than 16.9 – especially when hematocrit, not hemoglobin, is the determinant of blood thickness. Step Seven: Be a nice dude and good competitor at all times; that way, when you get busted, people will believe you. Step Eight: Finally, if you know you’re gonna get caught, get caught with blood levels that are truly ridiculous (search “60.1”).

If you really don’t want to dope, though, there are many other options available. EP-NO has got to be good, given the number of glaring typos on its webpage. They’ve even got a t-shirt to add some color to your otherwise drab collection of anti-dope apparel. (Personally, though, I prefer Velochimp’s shirt to either). Perhaps I should buy a bottle for Miguel Angel Martin Perdiguero, as the outspoken Spaniard had this to say in reaction to the Heras ban, taken from this story in ProCycling Magazine:

“I am against all sanctions. Life ought to be free for everyone and that should go for cycling as well. This is a cycling [sic] put on in a hypocritical society and it is always we cyclists who end up paying the penalty.”

That’s a fine attitude, Perdi, but I think you just bumped yourself onto Dick Pound’s s&!†list. Returning to the case of the former four-time Vuelta winner, though, Daily Peloton has a bafflingly-constructed article on his saga and appeal. Far more cohesive is Pez-man Nick O’Brien’s rundown of the ’07 TdF’s Grand Depart. And if you must have results, Credit Agricole’s Sebastien Hinault, one of those French sprinters that never seem to sprint, sprinted to victory at the TdL, while Cyril Dessel of Ag2r descended to a stage win and the leader’s jersey at Tour Med.

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